we have lazy sundays sometimes after
what felt like the longest work week of my
life.
grading, lesson planning, papers. study
for the gre, figure out what to do with a
French MA, and still read150pages.
even with extra jobs i can't afford to do what
i want. roughly 48 hours until i see how
i did on my own.
a lot of things happened in america this past
election week. i love my state more than
any others i've been to, but it has roughly
two point five years
to change some things or i'm moving to new
amsterdam.
it's strange how working a lot to make money
to save money + having the time to grow
And make your own food for 3 meals a day
to save money and eventually not need so many jobs
don't really make a realistic daily schedule.
and all i really ever want to do is sleep.
roughly four weeks until i have time
to myself to try and get things
together. it's time to get things like
portfolio, website, etc ready to go.
the concept of an adult salary
and benefits lurk in the ever
immediate future. i only have to make it
another year and a half.
and then pass my exams.
I turned on Shields, trying to force something to happen. New sounds with familiar voices, des événements nouveaux. I can't find where the fault lies, here and now? Or years ago?
I walked home from the Lexington Public Library last night by myself. Filmslang presents local music video talent. Talks of missing Kentucky, and videos like the one at the end of this, made the walk surreal almost. The weather was perfect, I was walking over the bridge on MLK. Kentucky. I could have sat there, right there, for the rest of the life.
How did we get here? We danced, we cleaned, we drank. Why does drinking do so much? And why can I drink so little? Days work out to give you what you want when you don't want it, reward you in backhanded ways. I'm going to play until the time comes, just go and throw your little hands up.
Do you ever look at everything, just step back and look, and think of all of the different combinations of how things could move and change and work? I've looked. It happens sometimes. I feel sometimes like the depths of emotion were given to me to experience and I am slighting myself by "fixing" it. Without ravens and Blake and Persona, where would we be? Beyonce, Lupe Fiasco, Ernest Hemingway, David Foster Wallace. Do we live with it? Do we fix it? Or do we use it for more?
This video makes my heart warm:
Memories of a Lifetime: Adam Brewer from
Appalachian Media Institute on
Vimeo.
How do you play a game if you don't know the rules? C'est un jeu interdit, ces déchets européens. Let the bag fill up completely. How?
It's noon on Saturday. I made cinnamon rolls and lit incense. I watch the smoke swirl through a box of light in the kitchen. I never was too good with adjectives. My thoughts pulled by more than just left and right, à la fois anglais et française. Tu me manques, déjà.
But I have things to do. Structuralist interpretations, realist critiques of romantic works. The academy fights heroically against anxiety in the race against time, chez moi. Off handed comments of pills provided to fix what isn't broken. Creativity spawns productivity, but nowhere leads to nowhere. Why does c-a-t mean cat? Because it doesn't mean anything else. Doesn't analysis exist for further understanding?
It's the Tegan and Sara of front porches. I can't sit where they sat, but I want to understand why sitting happens. I'm going where I used to, to sit and let it all wash off.
I got that backpack I've always wanted. I'll send you a picture as soon as it arrives.
